An Important Message from One Engaged Couple to Other Engaged Couples

Dear Jeanne,

I’m writing to tell you about what we’ve been thinking about during our engagement and why we selected Hidden River for our wedding.

Before we became engaged, Dan and I thought about what having a ceremony would (or would not) mean to us.  On the one hand, if we just lived with each other for 3 more years, we would be “married” under common law. So, why have a ceremony at all, we wondered? But something didn’t feel right to us about that. Then, we considered the idea of a legal marriage without the ceremony, but that again felt inconsequential. We agreed that even if we were legally married, we wouldn’t feel married unless we had a full-out ceremony and reception. What then did having a ceremony and reception really mean to us that we weren’t willing to forego? We decided that, in part, we needed the people in our lives to witness it and classify it as a “marriage.” We also decided a ceremony has value because it’s probably easier to say “I do” in the heat of the moment in front of one witness than it is in front of a hundred people who have planned to be there for a year.

We then considered why most marriages fail. We live in the unfortunate day and age where more than half of marriages end in divorce. Dan and I believe that part of the reason for this is the hype that a wedding has, which causes people to make a quick decision about a huge commitment. Why wouldn't you want to host a big party with all the people you love coming across the nation just for you? Brides especially, when planning for weddings, are constantly told “It's *your* day. Do what *you* want." The intention, we've deduced, is to make us think that spending a fortune on our wedding is justified. Sure, this is "our" day and it is definitely a momentous milestone, but in the end it is just one day that marks the beginning of many future years of our *marriage.* This doesn’t mean we’re not spending a decent amount on our wedding; we figure this is the one and only day we plan on getting married. But we’ve been trying to keep things in perspective. What matters in the end is not the flower choice, cake flavors, or even the pictures. What matters is that after all the cake is eaten, the flowers wilted, the guests gone home---we have each other.
  
When we considered what kind of place we would like to get married, we agreed that whatever location we selected had to reflect who we are…and we have always been in love with the mountains. Among all the bustle of work and school, we will often take a weekend hiking trip to remember who we are together without all the "noise." It is in the mountains and outside hiking that we find ourselves to be the most "us," so to speak, and where we remember how to listen to each other most fully. What we discovered, however, is that when you go to a beautiful place for a wedding it can begin to feel more like a tourist attraction, and it can get very expensive.  From a packaged estate wedding that costs a fortune to an inexpensive chapel wedding, money inevitably plays a role.

Knowing that we’d likely put both a good deal of time and money (but not an exorbitant amount) into our wedding, we began looking for a location with the hope of finding people who share our values about love and marriage for a lifetime, not just about the wedding day. When we found your site at Hidden River and read your philosophy of marriage and commitment, we knew we'd found "the place." Not only is the location beautiful with a view of the mountains and horses in the pasture. Not only is Hidden River far away from civilization (because I didn't want to be the bride running across a busy street in her wedding dress). Not only is your farm peaceful. But there is something more: you and Katie and your family are there to run the farm and the business with gentle and understanding hearts, focusing on simplicity and "subtle grandeur" as I call it.

Jeanne, you aren’t a wedding vendor with a desire to push wedding jargon on eager couples at exorbitant wedding prices; you are an officiant and a teacher who spends a lot of her life marrying people and who just happens to own a beautiful piece of property near Asheville. I remember speaking with Katie the first time we visited.  She told us that your favorite part of the job is speaking with brides and grooms about what they love about each other. I have to admit, I didn’t believe her until we met with you about our ceremony.  Now I understand.  And guess what: there are others out there like you!

As we’ve gone along collecting vendors for the wedding, we’ve actually joked many times that almost every person we’ve met in Asheville has more integrity than we’re used to finding in people. We’ve met a florist who loves flowers so much that she warned us she would not offer her services to us if she were forced, for instance, to spray paint flowers (not that we wanted her to). We’ve met a photographer who took us out to lunch on his own dime even after we’d put money down on a contract. We met a cake baker who was more than willing to brainstorm with us for two and a half hours, scrapping several ideas along the way and agreeing to try something no one’s ever asked her to do, just so we would be happy (and at no extra cost to us). We’re starting to think we’re moving to the wrong location (in Cary).&

When it comes to our wedding day, we decided that our wedding should not only reflect us but also what comes after it:  marriage. We’ve thought of some things to do to make our day special and to move us toward our goal of growing old together.  On our RSVP’s, we’ll be asking people to write down their wedding song and we’ll use these songs in our reception for dancing. Each song we use will be introduced by our DJ, who is also our friend. As a way of emphasizing the importance of long term commitment, we will also be including a ritual involving all the married couples.  They’ll be asked to get out on the dance floor and keep dancing until the number of years they’ve been married is called aloud by the DJ.  The last couple on the dance floor is the one to gets the bouquet or, as an alternative, receives the honor of throwing the bouquet.

We know *our* day won’t be perfect.  It could rain (which we hear is good luck).  We are not expecting perfection. In fact, we always like hearing those wacky stories about wedding mistakes and we wouldn’t mind having some amusing ones to tell of our own. As long as the wedding represents us, as long as our guests have fun, and as long as Dan and I have each other, we will be content. Because when all is said and done, a wedding lasts a few hours…but a marriage is until death do us part.

Thanks for sharing our ideas with others.  I hope others find our contemplations helpful.

Sincerely,

Nikki & Dan